Reason V. Reader

Reason: You can’t read that book in one afternoon, there’s like 300 pages with endnotes.

Reader: No, honestly, it’ll only take a few hours.

Reason: See, that didn’t take a few hours.

Reader: It’s only three o’clock in the morning. What’s next?

Reason: Bed.

Reader: What about that new Jacques Roubaud?

Reason: You do realise a book addiction can only lead to ruin? It’s the most time-consuming antisocial addiction imaginable. It’s worse than heroin since you can’t share a book like you can a needle.

Reader: What do you mean "you" can't? And two people can’t delight in the same book?

Reason: No. People read what they like, they don’t like you foisting your reads on them.

Reader: That might be true, but if there aren’t any speedy readers in the world, how do all the books get read?

Reason: You need to prioritise which books to read and which to not. Read.

Reader: But if I don’t read Madame Bovary based on the fact millions of people, for the last century-and-a-half, have read it, I’m missing out on some mighty fine literature, no?

Reason: Yes.

Reader: And I frequently read unknown books to make look smarter and more educateded.

Reason: On your own again.

Reader: Yep. Me and me, we make a good team.

Reason: Uh-huh.

Reader: Look, the alternative is wasting my time watching some dribble on the ewetoobs, or clicking like a madman on the interwebs, or writing a story that goes nowhere. Reading focusizes me.

Reason: How about friends?

Reader: I’m working on that. I’ve moved to Glasgow, I need time. And no, I haven’t joined book groups or anything.

Reason: Too busy reading?

Reader: I hate you.

Reason: And I you.

Reader: Get out.

Reason: . . .

Reader: Good. Now where’s that Jacques Roubaud?